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Vent Sesh: Too Old for Mean Girls

best friends

I assumed by the time I hit my 30s all women would just get along.

Yeah, of course some people are destined to be better friends and some women’s personalities mesh better than others — not everyone has to be best friends — however I never thought there would be groups of women that didn’t make you feel wanted, a la high school mean girls.

Does this reality really exist beyond episodes of Real Housewives (which by the way, I love the series but hate, hate the petty arguments and women tearing each other down)? Sadly, it’s out there.

I’m not sure why, and it makes me sad to think about. I’m fortunate to have some phenomenal friends, the ones who build each other up, who back each other, who even though we’re all different are in it to make each other feel our best. We help each other, either personally or with our businesses, guy advice, picking out a cute dress, and we’re there for each other when things suck.

Then there are other women — and it hurts my heart to even say it — that look at me as if I’m less than. And they do it to others, too. Why? It’s not even worth speculating and they either don’t realize it, don’t care to realize it or won’t admit they do it. There are women who have excluded me or left me out of conversations.

That hurts like hell.

If we’re being honest though, want to know what breaks my heart even more? A year ago another woman told me I had put her in a few group situations that didn’t make her feel her best. Me? I did? I strive to be so inclusive, to be so friendly. The details are unimportant as are the hours trying to think through why I, albeit unintentionally, had done that except that I did something that hurt another woman and that’s so far from the woman I am or want to be.

I know the pain of feeling left out and I’d never want to do that to another woman. I think most women who know me say I go out of my way to be kind and inclusive (even more than I should at times), which is one of the traits I find most important in myself and in others.

Whether we realize it or not, we could have hurt others. I’ve been to parties where I’ve reconnected with old friends and likely didn’t make as much of an active effort to include the new girl. And, sometimes I’ll make an over-active effort to speak to the new girl, so much so, that I realize I never caught up with old friends.

We’re all human. What’s important is that our actions are filled with good intentions. And, that if we make a mistake, we own up, realize our faults, learn from them and try our damnedest not to do it again. Yeah, I’ve forgotten to call a friend back or an email gets lost in the gmail black hole, but I own it and feel confident that my 95% positive interactions make up for that 5% of life insanity, brain freezes, exhaustion and plain old forgetfulness.

I only want to be one of the nice girls and I’ve worked hard over the past few years to only surround myself with fellow nice girls. Making friends can be really hard and I feel incredibly blessed that I’ve become close with a handful of  awesome, kind, talented, gorgeous and fun women.

Make sure that each of your friendships bring you joy and recognize when it’s time to part ways if someone is not building you up. Friendships are absolutely quality over quantity.

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  • Reply
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    November 14, 2017 at 6:46 AM

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  • Reply
    Heidi
    May 7, 2016 at 12:22 PM

    This is been a topic of conversation lately amongst myself and my close friends. It’s so hard to believe that the “mean girl” mentality still exist even as we get well into our 30s! It is truly heartbreaking, but has made me stronger and also realize where my efforts are best spent in terms of friendships. This is so thoughtful and well written, thank you for sharing your thoughts!

    Heidi || Wishes & Reality

  • Reply
    Shira
    May 3, 2016 at 5:17 PM

    Very good point. I was added to a few women groups on fb which I’m going to have to leave because watching people attack each other is just ridiculous. I’m all about surrounding yourself with good, KIND people.

    http://asequinloveaffair.com

  • Reply
    Diane Capozzi
    May 3, 2016 at 10:56 AM

    Here here! Well said! Incredible, thought-provoking post! It is a shame we highlight & pay women to be on a reality show to bash each other & bring each other down., attack each other concerning petty things that have no meaning in life. As a culture, do we praise this behavior? Do we praise the nasty, unloving behavior of the women on reality tv or the cruelty on social media? We have enough to contend with in life, let’s encourage, support & include others around us. It is not about your ego, being right, making the person next to you look bad, so you look better. Everyone should strive to make the person feel great while in your presence, but feel even better when they leave. Our lives are short, let’s focus on giving back, thinking of what you can do for others, not what the world/community/friends owe you. Give love, get Love!!!

  • Reply
    REBECCA
    May 3, 2016 at 9:37 AM

    Thanks for sharing this touching post – yes we should empower each other! Come check out my latest collab with CHICWISH and let me know what you think of the LBD! Have a great Mothers’ Day!

    Rebecca
    http://www.redtagchiclosangeles.com

  • Reply
    Kimberly
    May 3, 2016 at 8:46 AM

    Loved this post so much – on my last trip into the city, during a group event, I was faced with both types of women. There were a few who went out of their way to be kind and inclusive and there were others who were happy to sit in the corner, gossip & give lots of side-eye. Good intentions or not, I never want to even be perceived as a woman who isn’t a compassionate and considerate to a fault. And I hope I can teach my daughter the same thing.

  • Reply
    Nicole Underwood Gonzalez
    May 3, 2016 at 8:01 AM

    It is crazy how hurtful women can be to one another. Maybe from the years of trying to compete with men in the workplace. We have to remember we are all on the same team! I too strive to surround myself with nice women. I’m all about “lets build each other up, not tear each other down”! Trying to teach our daughters this at an early age is so important too!

  • Reply
    Tara
    May 3, 2016 at 6:40 AM

    Yes to all of this! The older I get, there is no time for silly drama 🙂

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